


April 2005

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [22]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Violence, Wordcount: 5.000-15.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2013-03-23
Packaged: 2017-12-06 06:13:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark searches for his true ancestry and finds answers. Dr. Swann may have some of those answers. In his search, he finds someone he thinks might be from his home world. Lex and Jonathan come to blows over Clark.<br/>A man from Lex's past comes back into his life and threatens Clark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	April 2005

01 April @ 12:58 pm

I had the dream again. I was floating in front of the wall with the key indentation on it and I reached out and touched the mark. Then there was a bright light and I woke up. 

I really miss Lex. He hasn't e-mailed or called. I guess whatever business he has is taking up all his time. I wish I could talk to him about these dreams. Maybe I should just keep it all to myself until I can figure out exactly what it all means. I don't want to tell mom and dad. They look so happy, and with the new baby coming, I don't want them to have to worry about anything, especially not me. 

I caught them sitting together on the sofa talking about names. I made an excuse about how I needed to get something over at Pete's place and took off. I didn't actually go to Pete's. I ended up at the Talon. I sat in a corner and drank five coffees. The place was packed. It's interesting to watch people. I do that sometimes. I watch to see how normal looks. Last night I watched as two of my classmates kissed in public and held hands. They looked so into each other. The server was not amused. She had to eventually kick them out.

After I left the Talon, I almost went into the Wild Coyote. A part of me just wanted to get drunk, but a few weeks ago, I had one beer and nothing, not even a tiny buzz. I had a second one and still nothing. I don't understand it. That time I had all those beers and got really drunk, and now I can't even get a buzz... I hate my alien body. It's so stupid. At least if I had instructions, I'd know what to do. Instead I have to stumble through life, hoping I don't destroy everything in my path. 

I miss Lex so much! We haven't had sex in what seems like forever. I've jerked off so much. I feel anxious every night. I tried to tire myself out last night so that I wouldn't have the dreams. I feel so alone right now. Sometimes I wish I'd never been sent here.

 

03 April @ 08:27 pm

It's been such a bad weekend. I've spent most of the weekend alone. I've been trying to figure out this dream. I'm pretty sure it's telling me to put the key in the wall, but I know dad would never go for it. 

Mom and dad are so excited about the baby. I think whenever I walk in the room they tone down how excited they are. I was never a baby for them. I came here already past that stage in my life. It's so weird. I don't know anything about my heritage except that I'm an alien from another world. If I could find answers then maybe my life would be better, or at least I'd know where I was from, why I'm here, or what my parents were thinking. I want to know these things. I want to know them now more than ever. 

That dream haunts me and I desperately need answers. I don't think I can pretend any longer that I'm not what I am. I have to do something.

 

04 April @ 07:30 am

I woke up at 4 a.m. in the middle of the road. On top of that, Lex almost hit me with his car. He was driving back from the city. I felt so disoriented and lost. One minute I was falling asleep, then next thing I knew, I was waking up, still in my pajamas and bare feet, in the middle of the road. 

I have no idea what happened to me. This has never happened before in my life. I was dreaming, and then I was waking up, someplace totally different and I have no idea how I got there. I must have sleepwalked. That's the only explanation I can come up with. 

Lex took me back to his place. I wanted to touch every inch of his skin. He stripped me and we stayed in his bed until six a.m., then I had to get home. Now, I have to get ready for school.

@ 07:54 pm

This morning mom and dad practically told me that I shouldn't put the key in the cave wall. I was angry and frustrated. I wanted to run off right then and do it, but dad had hidden the key. That didn't stop it from calling to me. The high-pitched noise I heard led me to it. 

I put the key in the wall. I couldn't wait any longer. The key called to me, and I had to put it in the wall to find out what would happen. Something did happen, but I'm not sure what. I held the key up and it flew to the slot in the wall. The symbols on it glowed and then a slot opened up and a rainbow beam shot through me. The next thing I knew, Lex was shaking me awake. I'd passed out again. He was with Dr. Walden. I had to get out of the cave fast. 

I know Lex is worried about me, but until I know exactly what happened to me, I can't tell anybody. I won't even tell my parents. They have enough to worry about without this. I can handle it on my own. It's not about any of them anymore. It's about me. It's about what and who I am and why I'm here. They have nothing to do with it. I'm going to do this. I need to know these things. 

I can't deny it any longer. I am an alien and I need to find out who and what I am before it drives me crazy. I need to know where I'm from and why I'm here.

I lost the key. When I woke up, it wasn't in the wall anymore. I have to find it. I can't let anybody else touch it. I won't let anybody else touch it. While the beam was passing through me, it hurt me and I'm invulnerable. If somebody else were to use it, if Lex were to use it... He's so determined to find out what the writing on the cave walls say. I don't want Lex to get hurt because of this. I don't want to lose him. 

Suddenly, I feel like I'm finally going to find some answers. I feel like I'm on the edge of some knowledge. I don't know exactly what that beam did to me, but I know what that tablet dad took from the ship is. It's the ship's heart. I can read what the symbols mean, but they're all jumbled in my mind.

 

05 April @ 08:03 pm

Dr. Walden put the key in the wall and now he's comatose. Lex is asking all kinds of questions, and I can't tell him anything yet. I'm not ready. I did tell him that I think the cave symbols might be from my people. 

Hope. That's what the symbol I burned into the side of the barn said. Hope for what? What does it mean? I need to find out. At least the dreams are over. Mom and dad are so upset that I put the key in the wall. Now a human tried to use it, and I was right. It wasn't meant for them. This was all meant for me. All those symbols on the cave walls were put there so long ago. It's like my life has been planned years in advance. I hate it. I don't like that these things are controlling what I do. 

Dr. Swann claims to be a friend. He says he has something for me. He sent me an invitation to go meet him. What does he know? 

I almost didn't send the e-mail to Swann. I was afraid that if I kept looking, everything would change and I would lose everything and everybody I love. 

A part of me feels like if I don't take this path, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. All these months that I've known I'm not human. All these months that I've known I fell from the sky, I need to know where I'm from. If Swann has the answers, then I have to accept that invitation.

I'm glad Lex was with me when I got that invitation. I need to think about what I'm going to do. I don't know what to do. Should I take the invitation? This person is a stranger and he has something for me. How could he have something for me? I'm afraid. I don't want to do this and I do. I can't do it alone, but I know I have to. I wish I could confide in Lex, but right now I can't even talk to mom and dad about it. 

I need time. It's all happening so fast. I need to think this through. I need for it to be over. I need to know what and who I am. 

Maybe it's better if I don't know what Swann has for me. It's better for everybody. I shouldn't go. I won't go. I'll stay here in Smallville and e-mail Swann in the morning to let him know that he's got the wrong person. He doesn't know the truth, and as long as I stay away from him, then things can just stay as they are. I like my life. 

I have friends and I have Lex. I have the most wonderful parents, and they've sacrificed so much for me. Now we're about to add one more Kent to the family and my family needs me. They need Clark, not the alien. 

I can do this. I can live without ever knowing more. It's not like I can't change my mind one day. I still have that option.

I'm not going to see Swann. I know mom and dad are going to be happy to hear that I've decided to end my pursuit. I feel relieved. I feel like this is the best choice for everybody.

 

06 April @ 05:04 pm

I have to go see Dr. Swann. I just talked to mom and dad, and they're not happy about it, but I have to go. I have to see what he has for me. Maybe he has the answers I've been searching for. Maybe he can tell me why I was sent here, or what was so bad that I had to be sent away from my real family. They aren't ready to let go of me, but I think it's time they understand that what I am is not going to change. It's time for me to understand that I have to move forward and find out where I'm from and why I was sent here. 

I just hope this isn't a huge mistake and that Swann really does have answers. 

Dr. Virgil Swann. Chloe said he's devoted his life to finding life on other worlds. Well, he found it, only it's not on another world: it's right here in his backyard. I'm going to New York tonight, and maybe I'll return with knowledge that will help me understand where my life is headed. Maybe I'll find nothing.

I was going to e-mail Swann, but I think I'll just show up. If this all turns out to be some kind of joke or elaborate plan to catch me, then I can just tell him he made a mistake. Dad thinks that Swann can't be trusted. Dad doesn't think anybody can be trusted. I wonder what he'd say if I told him Lex already knows some of the truth, and that Lex has not once demanded more from me or tried to harm me in any way. In fact, Lex has been so patient with me all week. I'm sure he must suspect that something is up, but instead of pushing, he remains patient.

I told mom and dad that no mater what I find in New York, they are still my parents and I love them more than anything. Nothing will ever change that.

I better go before I change my mind again. Lana was right. I shouldn't stop looking. I need to know and I can't help it. I don't want to upset my mom and dad, but I have to do this. I need to do this for everybody's sake. Once this is over, we can all move forward. 

I can move forward.

 

07 April @ 10:19 am

I'm in a hotel with Lex, and after we check out, we're going to see Dr. Swann. I'm going to see him. Lex is going to wait in the car while I go in and find out what information the doctor has for me. 

I was so glad that Lex agreed to come with me. We took his private jet to the city and stayed overnight in a nice hotel. I can feel all his questions but I asked him to hold off. I told him I'm not ready to talk about it all just yet, and even though he looked like he wanted to shake it out of me, he held off. 

After we have breakfast, I'm going to meet the doctor, and maybe I'll find out whom I am and where I'm from. I'm so nervous. I can't wait to get it over with. My parents don't know I'm here with Lex. I told them last night that I had to do this alone, but when I left the house to go, I realized I needed somebody with me. 

No matter what I find, I plan to stay where I am. I love my family and I love my friends. I love Lex. Nothing I discover today will change that.

@ 01:44 pm

I am Kal-El of Krypton.

Dr. Swann had messages for me -- messages that were from my biological parents. He picked up transmissions from my home world.

_This is Kal-El of Krypton our infant son, our last hope. Please protect him and deliver him from evil._

_We will be with you, Kal-El for all the days of your life._

My planet is gone. I'm the last of my people. I'm alone in the universe. I didn't find the answers I was looking for. Dr. Swann said I have to look inside myself for those answers.

I'm alone. My home world is gone.

After I talked to Dr. Swann, Lex and I took a limo to the airport and now we're flying back to Smallville. He didn't push and he didn't ask many questions. I reassured him that Dr. Swann is not going to tell anybody my secrets. I told him that I didn't want to talk about what I found just yet. I need time to think about this. 

They sent me here, and they sent a message, along with a code to decrypt it. Now there are two of us on the planet who can read my native language. 

It's funny. I really thought that I would come away from this knowing everything, but instead I have even more questions. I may never get the answers to these questions. I may have to live my whole life without ever knowing why my biological parents sent me to earth. Why did they send me away? My home world is gone. What destroyed it? Did I do something to it? Was I sent away because I was too dangerous? Why me?

So many questions and I will probably never know the answers to most of them.

At least one thing I do know. It wasn't an accident that I was sent to earth. I was sent here specifically. I just wish that the meteor rocks hadn't come with me. 

There are so many things that I wish, and now I know that I should just stop wishing. There's no point. 

I'm alone. My real name is Kal.

 

08 April @ 10:22 am

I wanted it to last longer. I wanted Lex. 

Yesterday, after I talked to Dr. Swann, and Lex and I got on the plane, I felt like I needed time to think through everything that I'd learned. It was a little awkward at first, and then I kissed him. I suddenly realized that Lex was there just because I asked. He didn't ask many questions before, and after I returned from seeing Dr. Swann, he just sat waiting. 

He's been so patient. I still haven't told him that I can read the language -- my home world language that was painted on cave walls years before I arrived. He must be going insane. 

I have to admit. I got a thrill out of hearing him say my name. I told him to call me Kal while we were having sex on the floor of the plane. I tore our clothes off, and he let me have my way with him. I needed that right then. I needed him to be him, and I needed to show him that I want him just as much now as I did before. It had been awhile for us, and it felt incredible. I wanted to do it over and over again.

After we both came, he kissed me, and the way he said my name made me want him all over again, but we had to clean up because we were almost home. I wish we'd had more time. Maybe I'll go over today and we can do it again.

Lex drove me home. My parents were waiting, but I told them that I couldn't talk about it at the time. I did tell them this morning over breakfast. They listened quietly. I could see that my mom was a little freaked out. Dad took it in stride. Then I took the heart of the ship and the key down to the storm cellar.

I finally knew what to do with them. Dad stayed with me as I put them in the ship. There was another message there. 

_On this third planet from this star, Sol, you will be a god among men. They are a flawed race. Rule them with strength my son. That is where your greatness lies._

I was sent to earth specifically. My people sent me here on purpose. It sounds like they expect me to take over the world. There's no way I would ever do that. There's no way I ever could do that. Dad insists that no matter what, I have a choice in what path I take. What if I don't? What if it's in my genetic makeup to take over the world? What if I couldn't stop myself?

I just can't believe my people were like that. I can't believe that they wanted this. I asked dad not to tell mom about this message. I don't want her to worry any more than she already has. We agreed to keep it between us. Dad's right, nobody needs to know. Besides, I do choose my own path and I won't let anybody or anything control me.

This has been such a confusing week. On the one hand, I'm so glad I finally found out about my origins. I finally know that I'm Kryptonian and that my birth name is Kal-El. It's such a relief. I'd always hoped that my home world would still be out there. All those times over the past year that I looked up at the stars wondering which one was mine, and it turned out that mine hasn't been there since I landed on earth.

I feel weird today. This morning when I woke up it was like I was still Clark but now I'm not just Clark, I'm Kal-El. I'm Kryptonian. 

I guess that makes the meteor rocks Kryptonite. So many things have changed and yet nothing has changed. I know more and yet I still have so much to learn. 

Dad's right. I know that I'm the last of my kind, but I'm not alone. I have my friends and family. I have Lex and they all love me. I told myself this last night but I still couldn't help feeling so alone. 

I am Kal-El -- the last son of Krypton.

 

10 April @ 03:56 pm

Pete and I went on a camping trip this weekend. I ended up having to run back home because Pete forgot the hot dogs. Mom and dad weren't around. They must have gone out or something. Dad's been really doting on her lately because of her condition. I think if he asks her one more time how she feels, she's going to do something drastic.

While we were out hiking, we ran into two other campers. One of them had slipped down a steep incline, and when I tried to rescue her, we both fell over the edge. Luckily she fell on top of me and wasn't injured. Not much of a rescue. She was still grateful, so it was worth it. 

They thanked us by inviting us to their camp cookout. I almost laughed at Pete's exuberance. It was such a nice night last night, and the food was good. Pete volunteered us to do the cooking. After we ate, we sat around the fire and talked. It turned out they were first year college students. 

Everything was fine until we heard rustling in the bush. It turned out to be a bear that had wandered close to the camp. That was kind of scary. Then Pete said that we should probably stay with them since it was so late and dark out, and the bear might return. He tried everything to make sure we stayed there longer. I gave in and we spent the night with our new friends.

Overall it was a really nice weekend, and I had a good time. We made some new friends, and Pete promised them we'd visit. I think he liked Brenda a lot. He got her number. The other girl, Trisha, asked me if I wanted her number so I took it. I didn't want to be rude and she was really nice and very grateful that I rescued her. I eventually had to tell her to stop thanking me. I was more than happy to help her. That was a steep incline and a little scary. I think we must have fallen at least twenty feet. Luckily I have a hard head and a hard body, and the ground was soft.

This morning, Pete and I went back to our campsite to find all our stuff scattered everywhere. I guess the bear must have gotten into things. The food was all ruined.

I got home around three. Mom looked happy, so I guess she and dad did something special last night. I told them to relax and I did all the chores. 

 

11 April @ 05:25 pm

I went over to the mansion last night. Lex and I had dinner, and then we played a few games of pool. He won them all. I just stood back and enjoyed the view. After that, we played a game of chess. I lost because his eyes distracted me. They get so intense when he's trying to defeat an opponent. It was funny when he realized I wasn't trying to win.

We went up to his bedroom. There was nobody else in the mansion except some security people, and we were alone.

The sex was awesome. Lex got jealous when I told him about my weekend excursion and my new friend. He seems to think that every girl that comes into contact with me is going to want me. I don't agree. Trisha was really nice, but I got the impression that she was not interested in me at all in that way. I'm glad I don't have to play any games when it comes to dating. Pete told me that he plans to call Brenda in a few days because he doesn't want to seem desperate. I wished him luck, and when he asked if I was going to call Trisha, I told him no.

Lex is hot when he's possessive. The way he practically tore off my shirt and touched the necklace was so sexy. We got naked on his bed and when he reached for the lube and condom, my heart leaped in my chest. I thought he was going to take his jealousy one step further and fuck me, but that didn't happen. He must have seen the look of disappointment on my face.

It's my fault. I never should have backed off that last time. I wish I'd been braver, and then maybe last night he would have taken me. Instead he put the condom on me and impaled himself on my cock. I thought I was going to explode. It was so hot. He was so hot. It was amazing sex and his jealousy heightened the moment. His kisses and touch were so possessive, and I like the way he looked at me. He sounded so sexy when he said my name. I kind of like him when he's jealous.

I do like being the top. It has a lot of advantages. He's so sexy under me or on top of me, with my cock in him. I guess even if I'm the one who always penetrates him, I'll still be content. But I want him to take me so badly. Last night after I got home, I came down from the high I'd been feeling all evening. It hit me then that maybe he'd never make that move on me ever again. I'm too afraid to bring it up, so I guess if it never happens, then I may have to live with being the top in our relationship.

I still can't help wanting him to take me. I wish he would. Maybe if I make him really jealous, he would take that last step.

 

12 April @ 03:15 pm

Dad and I had an argument this morning. He told me that Mr. Weir, a friend of his, said he saw me at the airport with Lex. He works at the small airstrip just outside of town where Lex keeps his family plane. Mr. Weir asked dad what I was doing with Lex at the airport, and he also told my dad that the plane had just landed. He saw us get off Lex's private jet. He told dad everything he knew once dad asked for more details. 

I couldn't lie. I had to tell dad that I'd gone to the city with Lex. It was the trip I'd taken to find out about my birth parents. Dad was furious. Mom didn't say much. She looked really sad. I'd told them that I had to do it on my own. Now they find out that I didn't do it on my own -- they find out that I went with Lex. It's a mess. 

Then today right before classes started, Todd Weir made a crack about how I spend so much time with Lex. It wasn't when anybody else was around, and he didn't directly accuse me of anything other than the fact that I was probably after Lex for his money. It was really annoying. I played totally dumb, so he called me a loser and told me that if I were any stupider, I'd probably be retarded. 

I guess he was trying to say that he thought I was gay. Hopefully he won't say anything to anybody else, because if he does, I have no idea what to do about it. I woke up so happy this morning and now this.

On top of that, Todd and Kyle were bullying Cyrus in class today. They made fun of him and called him all kinds of names. There was no way I was going to let them get away with that. Of course since I defended Cyrus they called me names, too. Why do people have to be such jerks?

@ 11:12 pm

Cyrus is from Krypton. He has to be. There's no other explanation. He told me he landed here during the meteor shower. He said he had a ship. He set the lab on fire, and it looked like he did it with his eyes, though I can't be sure because I wasn't facing him.

And then this weird thing happened. Tyson, Whitney's horse had collapsed, but Cyrus showed up and healed him with a touch. Lana was right there and she watched as Cyrus put his hands on Tyson and there was this bright light. We're not sure what Cyrus did to Tyson, but before he touched him Tyson couldn't get up then suddenly after Cyrus touched him, he got up and walked like there was nothing wrong with him.

Lex told me to be careful. I didn't tell him details since I didn't feel right about telling Cyrus' secret to other people. Cyrus was already mad because he thought I'd told Chloe. He'd come over to talk to me about Chloe when he saw that Tyson needed help.

Maybe I'm not alone after all.

 

13 April @ 09:09 pm

Chloe knows how to kill my good mood. She discovered that Cyrus used pyrotechnics to set the blackboard on fire. That doesn't mean he's not from Krypton. He insists he's an alien and I believe him. He healed Tyson, and Lana and I both saw it happen. So he's not exactly like me. We don't know for sure that all people from Krypton are like me.

I went to see Cyrus and he showed me his transmission tower. I had to help him, so we went to school to steal the device the teacher confiscated from him. Kyle and Todd attacked us. I used my heat vision to burn their truck. Cyrus saw. He knows I'm not normal. He thinks I'm an alien like him. I didn't deny it. 

It was a risk, but I was willing to take it. If he's really from my home world and he can contact his true parents, I want to help him get back to where he's from.

Lex said I should be careful. I know Cyrus would never hurt me or reveal my secret to anyone so I'm not worried. This is so amazing. Of course mom and dad are completely against any of this. They both think Cyrus is not from my home world. I want him to be from there. If he is, then I know I wasn't the only one they sent away. 

I really don't like Kyle. I hate that he attacked us, and I hate that he called me retarded, and I hate that he implied that I'm gay just because I hang out with Lex. I'm glad I destroyed his stupid truck. It's not like he's going to tell anybody about how his truck got burned.

 

14 April @ 09:38 pm

Cyrus passed out and was rushed to the hospital. He healed Kyle, and I think the exertion was too much for his abilities. He's just another Kryptonite mutant. He's not from my home world. He's not somebody like me. His family was killed by my arrival. So many people's lives were destroyed because of me.

In my desperation to find somebody else like me, I never realized how alone I truly felt until Chloe and Pete told me that Cyrus was just another casualty of the event that brought me here. 

They all suffered because of me. Even now, mom is suffering because of what the ship did to her. She hasn't said anything to me, but she doesn't look as happy as I thought she would to be pregnant. I watched her closely this morning at breakfast and she looked down.

Lex suffers. Sometimes when we talk he looks so unhappy. I can't tell him everything even though I've already told him so much. I'm giving as much of myself as I can. I can sense that it's not enough. I'm not really sure what more he wants from me.

 

15 April @ 05:51 pm

Dad and I had the talk that I'd been dreading, but it's over now and he promised me that he would try harder to accept my choice. I love Lex, and Dad got an eyeful of just how much I care about him. Dad and I were talking in the kitchen when Lex showed up. Dad practically ordered me out so he could be alone with Lex. I wasn't about to leave them alone, so I stayed close by just in case something happened. 

Dad gave Lex the 'hurt my son and I'll kill you' speech. That was so embarrassing. Dad knows I can take care of myself, but he's always been so overprotective. It's annoying, and once upon a time, I didn't mind it so much, because I get that he's my father and that's what fathers do, but now it just makes me feel like a child.

Lex is right about what he told Dad. I would protect Lex with everything I have from anybody, and that includes my own father. 

Lex was not pleased to say the least. It's partly my fault, since I didn't warn Lex about the fact that Dad had found out about us going to New York together when I went in search of information about my birth family. Dad was so angry that I had gone with Lex and not with him and mom. I tried to get him to understand that it wasn't about them at all. It was about me and how I felt and what I needed right then. 

I was surprised that Dad actually admitted to Lex that I'd told Mom and him that I wanted to be alone for the trip. When Lex told dad how honored he was that I'd asked him to go along, I think I fell in love all over again. He really understands me.

I didn't know what to say to Lex after my dad walked out on him. They didn't really resolve anything between them. I was at a loss for words, so hugged and kissed Lex. Of course, Dad walked in right then. He was looking for me since I was supposed to be out in the barn, and obviously I wasn't there. 

Lex told dad that he's not going anywhere and that I'm important to him. I know this already, but it was cool to hear him say it to my dad and without any hesitation in his voice. Dad told Lex to go home and Lex agreed but before he left, I grabbed him and kissed him. It was crazy and Dad was watching, but I didn't care. My heart was pounding in my chest when I did it, but it felt good and right. I didn't want to hide it any longer. I didn't see why I had to hide it. I even whispered to Lex that I love him, and my back was to Dad. I should have said it out loud, but I was kind of scared. Lex made me feel braver when he said, "ditto" loud enough for Dad to hear. 

Dad was furious. After Lex left, Dad and I had it out. I don't think I've ever shouted that loud at my dad before. I was so upset and hurt by what he'd said to Lex. I told him that he just has to accept it, because otherwise it would tear us apart. I told him that I'm totally in love with Lex, and nothing he can do or say is going to change that. Dad finally calmed down and for the first time, I think he actually understood. 

I'm not normal and I never will be, and my dad just has to accept that. I told him that maybe their new child would be normal. I guess I shouldn't have said it that way, but I was so upset in the heat of the moment. That got through to him. He promised to try harder to accept my choice. He said that he loved me no matter what.

I really love my parents. They have always been there for me. The pain and hurt I've felt over this whole situation was something I'd been hiding all these months, but tonight it hit me so hard, I wanted to run and never look back but I won't run.

Dad said he was sorry and he promised that he would eventually talk to Lex about this and try to be more reasonable about everything. I just want the two most important men in my life to get along. Is that too much to ask for?

 

16 April @ 10:56 am

Never live in the land of 'if only,' because you are doomed.

Cyrus had a mental breakdown, and the doctors think that he will not recover from it. So last night, I did some soul searching. 

If only I had never fallen to earth in Smallville.   
If only my ship hadn't come here, dragging chunks of my home world with it.   
If only Kryptonite didn't hurt people.   
If only Lana could have said that the idea of an alien doesn't freak her out.   
If only I could share my secret with more people.   
If only people weren't so quick to judge.   
If only Lex and I could walk hand in hand in public. 

So much 'if only' and I can't do anything about any of them. I can't change that I came here, I can't change that chunks of my home world followed me. I can't change that Kryptonite hurts humans. I can't change that Lana lost her family. I can't change the fear in people's hearts. I can't change that I'm gay and in love with Lex Luthor.

I can only accept that this is the way the world is and try to understand why things happen the way they happen.

All my power and I feel so helpless. I wish there were some way I could change things.

@ 09:42 pm

I don't know why I let Trisha kiss me. I should have pushed her away. I've thought about what I did and why I did it ever since I got home from the mansion. I left Lex and as soon as the high from the sex wore off, I felt horrible. I never meant to do this. I never meant for the day to go this way. I never planned it. I sort of thought that if I could get Lex jealous enough, and then maybe he'd take me. I don't think that anymore. It's a dirty trick that I'm sure destroyed something between us. I'm not sure what. I was too afraid to ask Lex. I was too afraid to say anything. When I finally admitted to him about the jealousy ploy, he told me that it wasn't the way to get what I wanted.

After Lana told me that Lex had walked into the Talon and saw the kiss between Trisha and me then turned around and walked out, I rushed right over to the mansion. I didn't think at the time that it was that big a deal. Some guys sitting at the table beside us made a crack about my 'boyfriend' being jealous that I was hanging out with a girl, so Trisha kissed me and thanked me for the great weekend we'd had together. It was just for show. She was only trying to help; only it was definitely the wrong kind of help. 

It sounds like such an adolescent thing to do. I guess that's because I'm a teenager. Lex is right about that for sure. The way he called me a teenager and the look in his eyes... I was afraid he was going to tell me that this was the end of us. I wouldn't blame him. 

One thing I know for sure - I never should have kissed Trisha back. 

In the end, all I did was hurt somebody I love. I wish he hadn't seen, and then I could have just brushed it off and not said anything to him. Instead I went over to see him, he was drinking, and he was angry. He had a right to be angry. I apologized a dozen times and tried to explain, but there really was no explanation.

We ended up having sex, and it was hard and it was brutal. He ordered me to fuck him hard. I didn't want to hurt him, but I wanted to make it up to him. As I entered him, I realized that nothing I do will ever make it up to him. I betrayed us and I cheated on him for no good reason.

When I came, I bit him on the neck, hard enough to break skin. He came just as I bit down and I hated myself for that. I hated myself because I loved it. I wanted him to hurt because of me, and I wanted him to be completely mine. In that moment I knew that he was mine no matter what. I knew that no matter what I did, he would always be mine.

I should probably find this revelation exciting, but the truth is I feel like I can never love Lex as much as he needs to be loved. I want to so badly.

I would feel lost without him.

Trisha stopped by the loft tonight. Pete gave her my address. We talked and I told her that she's a nice girl, but that I'm in love with somebody else. She was really nice about it. She didn't even ask if what those guys had said was true, for which I was so grateful. She apologized for what she did, and we said goodbye. I don't think I'll be hearing from her again. 

I don't think that I could hate myself more than I do right at this moment. I think I'm going to stay home for the rest of the weekend. Lex said that I should just talk to him about what I want. I don't know why I was so afraid to talk to him, but I really need to learn to trust him more. After all, he has put so much trust in me.

 

18 April @ 12:31 pm

Lex just called. We're going to meet at the Talon after dinner tonight for coffee and talk about things. He went to the city this morning for a meeting, but he's going to be back tonight so we can talk. I can't wait. It was nice to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. Luckily, he called when I was at the Talon, having lunch.

I went into a corner so we could talk more privately, and I could say what I wanted to say. I told him that I was really sorry for what happened and that I'd spent the weekend thinking about why I did what I did. I was a little surprised to hear him say he felt that maybe he'd overreacted to the situation. It didn't matter. I still wanted him to know that I missed him and that I really was sorry about the kiss.

I can't wait to see him tonight. I have so many things I want to say to him. I have all these thoughts that have been running around inside my head all weekend that I want to share with him. I feel much surer of us. I feel like I can do this. I feel like Lex and I are headed in the right direction. Maybe I just needed a kick in the pants.

@ 10:21 pm

I'm in so much trouble. I tried to help Lana tonight, and I'm the one the police arrested. I went to the Talon to meet Lex for our coffee date. I waited around for an hour. He never showed.

While I was there, I noticed some guys were getting a little rowdy. I didn't really think anything of it, but just as I left, I heard a crash. I called the police right away, and when I rushed back inside, I found Lana on the floor and they were threatening her! I was so angry. I told them to get out and they did, but I didn't trust them to leave peacefully.

I made sure Lana was okay, then I went after them to make sure they knew that they weren't welcome in the Talon again. They said all these things nasty things about Lana that I can't repeat it even here. I was so angry and I kind of lost my temper and threw them around. One of them ended up on the hood of the sheriff's car. Sheriff Adams was not impressed. She arrested me and then interrogated me inside the Talon. The jerks that assaulted Lana told her that I attacked them first. I tried to tell the sheriff what they did to Lana, but she wouldn't believe me because I didn't have a scratch on me and they were covered in bruises. She drove me home and talked to my parents. She charged me with battery misdemeanor, so now I'm doing forty hours of community service.

I can't believe this. I rescue Lana and I'm the one in trouble while those jerks get away with what they did.

I guess I'm now a criminal.

 

19 April @ 07:00 pm

I am so angry. Andy suddenly claims I hurt him badly. He's claiming he'll never be able to work again. He's suing me for a million dollars!

On top of that, when I went by the mansion at lunch, Lex wasn't alone. There was some guy there, Paul Hayden, someone from Lex's past. I didn't remember this when I was at the mansion, but I think Paul was watching me yesterday at the Talon. I remembered that he was sitting a few tables away from me and I didn't think anything of it at first. 

This is just not my week.

 

20 April @ 12:36 pm

I just got back from my first day of community service. Of course, it was totally humiliating. I think almost everybody from my school stopped by to mock me. The yellow vest they made me wear was really ugly. At least Lex didn't laugh. He brought me a coffee. That cheered me up a lot. 

After Lex left, with some vague comment about how I don't need to worry about Lana, I saw Andy and I tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't even listen to me. I X-rayed through his car windows and saw him take off his neck brace and high-five his friends. He's totally lying and I'm determined to prove it. 

Last night really cheered me up. I went for a run and ended up at the Talon. After the Talon closed, I called Lex up and asked him to come meet me. While I waited for Lex to show Paul Hayden drove up. He asked if I needed a ride, and when I said no thank you and crossed the street to get away from him, he followed me and started to say all this weird stuff about how he's been in town for a while and that he's been watching me. He wouldn't tell me how long.

Then he started to warn me about Lex and how if I weren't careful, Lex would use me then throw me away. I told him that Lex is my friend and no matter what he'd done in the past there was no way I would ever judge him by that. Paul got upset. I was about to distract him and run in the opposite direction as fast as I could, but Lex showed up. I was relieved to see him. I got into his car. Lex was really upset and he warned Paul not to go anywhere near me.

Then this morning I found out that Paul was hospitalized with cuts and bruises. He claimed that Lex hired somebody to beat him up and warn him to stay away from me. Paul told the sheriff about the conversation he'd had with Lex last night and I couldn't lie. I know Lex would never hurt anybody, but he was so angry and he said some things. Lex has said many times in the past that he would do anything to protect me.

It doesn't matter what Paul said. I know Lex and I know he'd never hire some thugs to beat him up. I asked Lex about Paul, and Lex didn't hide anything. He told me that Paul could be obsessive.

So now I have to duck Lana and Chloe. Yesterday I asked Chloe how Lana was after her attack, and to my surprise, Lana hadn't told Chloe anything about it. Chloe didn't seem thrilled with this. She totally grilled me and I had to spill. Sometimes I'm afraid of Chloe. She can be so aggressive. I didn't want to tell her the nasty things they'd called her girlfriend, so I spared her those details. 

@ 11:19 pm

Tonight, after I talked to Chloe about exposing Andy for the fraud that he is, I went over to the mansion to surprise Lex. I hadn't been in the Troy room in a while so I thought I would wait for him there. He was in a late meeting.

I shiver now to think about what happened. I've never felt so helpless. I've always been able to defend myself, but last night scared me. Somehow Paul found out about my weakness to the Kryptonite. He said he'd been watching me for weeks and that he'd discovered something strange about me. Then before I could get away from him, he pulled out a meteor rock. He called me a freak and told me that I didn't deserve Lex. I tried to reason with him, but nothing worked. I was on the floor cringing in pain. I had just fallen and I was crawling away from Paul when my cell phone rang. I managed to get it out of my pocket and say 'Troy' before Paul destroyed it. He kept coming at me and then he put the rock in my jacket pocket. I had flashbacks to that day in the woods last year when Nixon wanted to take me away from everybody. 

Paul wanted to take me away from everybody, only he wanted it to be permanent. The rage in him... it terrified me. I was so afraid. He pulled out a knife, held it against my cheek, and told me that he was going to make me so ugly that Lex would never look twice at me ever again. I tried to tell him that Lex didn't look at me that way, but I could barely talk let alone fight him off. 

He sliced into my cheek. He did it slowly, and then he screamed that when Lex found my body, it would hurt beyond any pain Lex had ever inflicted on him. Then he stabbed me in the back as I tried to crawl away from him. I can't even remember how many times he stabbed me. It felt like it would never end. The physical wounds are all healed and I'm fine, but I swear, I can still feel the knife jabbing into me. I don't think I will ever forget that feeling as long as I live. I have never felt so much pain. Paul left me there on the floor to die.

I must have passed out because when I came to, Lex was holding me and begging me to wake up. It took a few minutes for me to heal. It felt like I was on that floor in Lex's arms for hours waiting for the wounds to close. Lex held me in his arms. There was so much blood. He was covered in it.

I was so glad to see Lex when he showed. He took me upstairs and I begged him not to leave me alone. I was so afraid Paul would return. I didn't want Lex to leave me. He put me in the shower to clean me up. I was a total basket case. That's never happened before. I could barely do anything for myself. 

I fell asleep but not for long. When I woke up Lex was sitting on the bed with his back to me. He must have changed because all the blood was gone. He was trying to call somebody. It turned out that he'd hired a detective to follow Paul around. Lex left his laptop on and I read his e-mail. I couldn't let him do something he would regret.

I followed him out to the hotel Paul was staying at. I confronted Lex and told him that I was fine and that he should let the cops take care of Paul, but Lex pointed out that there was no sign at all that Paul had hurt me. I wasn't going to leave Lex alone so I went with him to the train station. 

Then we split up to find Paul. I shouldn't have done that, but I thought that if I found Paul first, I could stop anything bad from happening. Eventually I heard some noises and when I x-rayed through a train car, I saw Paul hovering over Lex. Paul had an axe in his hand. He was about to bring it down on Lex's head, so I shook the train car so he would drop it. I didn't have time to do anything else and if Lex had died... 

I rushed in and saw Lex with a gun on Paul, and I felt terror again. I think Lex really wanted to pull the trigger, but he didn't. He stopped and I have never been so relieved in my life.

The police showed up immediately after I did. They took Paul into custody and Lex told them that Paul had continued to harass me, and then had tried to kill Lex. I told the police the same thing. It was true, sort of. Paul was going to kill Lex. All I kept thinking was if he'd hurt Lex, I don't know what I would have done. 

I wish I'd told Lex that I wanted to stay with him. I know Paul is in jail, but every time I hear a sound, I check to make sure it's not some creepy stalker. 

It seems that no matter how strong I am, even I need a savior sometimes.

 

21 April @ 11:03 am

I vaguely remember the nightmare. I was running from something. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't escape. 

This morning when I saw mom with a knife, I got this sick feeling in my gut. It's not even logical. I know mom would never hurt me, but when I saw the blade, I rushed out of the kitchen, pretending there was something that needed my immediate attention. I went up to the loft and hid until I had to leave to do community service. 

While I was doing my time, the sheriff ran into me. She had some questions for me about last night. I just told her that I saw Paul almost axe Lex to death, which is what I told her last night. I can tell she doesn't believe me. I don't care. I just hope they make sure Paul doesn't somehow get away with it. She asked me what Paul meant when he said that he'd killed me. When I didn't say anything she told me he was taken to 'the nuthouse' (her choice of words not mine) for an evaluation and that most likely he would be there for a very long time since it's very clear that he is insane. Then before she went into the Talon to get her morning caffeine fix, she said something about how good I am at picking up trash. I was so relieved when she left. 

Last night after I made a post about what happened, I called Lex just to hear the sound of his voice and to let him know how I feel about him. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told him about how I felt. I realized something after we split up to find Paul. I was so panicked that he would do something drastic. The thought of ever losing Lex terrifies me. I felt so lost when I rushed around that train station looking for him.

I just want to put this whole thing behind us.

 

22 April @ 08:02 am

I stayed with Lex last night and we talked about what we mean to each other. We talked about fear, and hope and togetherness. We talked about so many things. Mostly we just sat in front of the fire and contemplated.

The attack made me really think. I've never had anything like this happen. I've been attacked before, but I've never had anybody hate me so much that they wanted me dead. Even when Whitney and his friends strung me up in the field, they didn't want me to die. I realized that I couldn't take anything for granted. 

It's still so fresh in my mind. At least I didn't have a nightmare last night so that's a good thing. I feel much better after spending the night with Lex. He makes me feel safe. He's the only one besides my mom and dad who do.

My dad asked me if everything was all right. We were feeding the cows. Everything was going along great. At least he had the foresight not to complain about the fact that mom had let me stay over at the mansion last night. Then it happened. I jumped when he came up behind me and grabbed my shoulder to get my attention. I told him that I'd been so engrossed with what I was doing that I hadn't heard him. He didn't buy it at all. I can tell, but he didn't push for answers. He told me that if I needed to talk, he would be there for me.

How am I supposed to tell my parents about what happened? I don't want them to think that being with Lex is too dangerous. It wasn't Lex's fault that Paul did what he did. I don't like keeping things from my parents. Maybe if I go to mom first.

@ 10:38 am

Just one simple moment that I don't want to take for granted

I woke up this morning beside Lex. He was still asleep and the sun was just starting to brighten the dark sky. I woke him with a kiss. He opened his sleepy eyes and graced me with a smile that could only be described as beautiful. My response was to kiss him again. Our lips touched and our tongues danced. I close my eyes now and imagine it, and smile. 

His hand on my bare chest sent shivers of delight through my body. I touched his cheek, stared deep into his eyes, and found love. When he pushed me down and pinned me to the bed with a passionate kiss, I knew that everything would be all right.

 

24 April @ 10:41 pm

I woke up in a sweat again. I had another nightmare. I couldn't sleep all night. I did every chore there was, and even told Dad to take a rest. He and Mom went out to dinner last night. He's really been treating her so carefully. I went down last night to talk to Mom and they were sitting on the sofa together talking quietly. Then Dad reached out and touched Mom on her belly. They looked so happy. I didn't want to bother them with my problems.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. At breakfast I told them what happened with Paul. As soon as I told Dad that it happened at the mansion, he immediately started to freak out and demanded that I stop seeing Lex. I told him that if it weren't for Lex, I would probably have died. I didn't tell them exactly what happened. I said that Paul had attacked me and that he had a meteor rock since he had been stalking me. I didn't mention the stabbing or cutting because I don't want to worry them more. Then I said that Lex had knocked Paul out and got rid of the meteor rock, but that Lex didn't really know what it meant. I said I faked worse injuries so Lex thought I was more hurt than I really was. Dad totally grilled me. Mom looked really stressed and I think she knows that I'm not telling the whole truth. Mom can always tell when I lie. I could never hide anything from her. 

I'm fine. I don't want them to worry about me at all. Dad has to worry about Mom and take care of her. I'm not a kid anymore and once they have the new baby, they'll be all wrapped up in him/her. I want them to stop worrying about me.

At least that's what I told them. I said I could take care of myself, and that I do have Lex, and he loves me and watches out for me. I almost told them that Lex knows, but I couldn't. I would like it if Lex were there when I told Mom and Dad, that is, if Lex is up for that. I'll have to ask him first. 

I feel tired, but I don't want to sleep. I'm too afraid I'll see Paul's face in my dreams. I don't want to bother Lex about this. It'll pass. I can take it. 

 

25 April @ 03:23 pm

I passed out in the hammock out in the loft last night. I managed to stay up until four in the morning, but eventually I couldn't keep my eyes open. I didn't sleep for long. I woke up a few hours later, and I'm pretty sure I screamed. I could hardly keep my eyes open in English class. I think I might have drooled on my desk. 

This time I dreamed that Paul killed me and Lex couldn't stop him. It was so horrible. I wish these nightmares would stop.

Mom looked very concerned this morning, but I reassured her that everything was totally fine. I can't have her worried about me. I'm sure the dreams will eventually go away.

 

26 April @ 11:30 am

Yesterday I stopped in for a few minutes while doing deliveries to spend some time with Lex. I left him for last on my route, and I was so tired by then, I think I was seeing double. I didn't stay for long because I didn't want the third degree. I know Lex is worried, but I really just want to put it all behind me. It's not going to last forever. At least we got to kiss and touch.

I slept for an hour last night. When I woke up at three AM, I think I called out to my mom. Luckily I didn't wake her up. I fell asleep in English class. It's not my fault the teacher's voice put me to sleep.

Now I'm going to hide out in the Torch office during study period and lunch. I have them back to back today.

It was my blood. How did I survive? I can't believe he hated me so much. I've never had anybody hate me that much. It hurt not just when he stabbed me, but also because he wanted me dead, gone, expired from this world.

Why isn't Chloe already here?

 

27 April @ 10:21 am

I woke up in a sweat again this morning. I can't remember the dream I had. It was vague. All I can recall was that it was dark and I called out, but nobody was there. 

That was before I talked on the phone with Lex. After we talked, I fell asleep right away. I felt so much better. I didn't dream this time. It really put me at ease when Lex said there was no way Paul was going to get out. 

I don't think I need to talk to mom and dad about this. It would just be too complicated anyway, so it's probably better if I don't say anything to them.

I'm probably going to sleep some more today, and then do some chores. Dad is in the next county for the day, so mom really needs my help.

 

28 April @ 11:20 am

The best thing about this morning was waking up happy. Last night was the first good night's sleep I've had all week. How embarrassing was it to have my mom and Lex rush up to my room because I fell out of bed and had another horrible nightmare? Totally, but at least they forced me to face my fear. 

I've never been so vulnerable before. When Paul pulled out the meteor rock, my first thought was to run, but it was too late. I couldn't run. I hate those things so much. I wish they would go away. I felt so stupid that I didn't see it coming with how angry Paul was. He was so bitter when I ran into him the first few times, and then when he purposely attacked me and said all those mean things, I was too shocked to know what to do or say to him. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't. 

I feel much better now that I've told mom what happened. I feel safer and I know Paul is not going to come after me in the middle of the night. I knew that already deep down. I was just afraid and I kept hearing his words in my mind.

Lex drove me to school. Dad avoided us all morning, and mom knows that Lex knows that I'm an alien. By now, Dad knows, too.

This is totally freaking me out. If I don't think about it, maybe it will be fine. I know already that dad wants to talk to me tonight when I get home. He called me on my cell phone to tell me that I'm to go straight home after school so we can have a long talk.

If I said I was panicked, that would be way too small a word to describe how I feel right now. I want to rush over to the mansion and tell Lex to jump in his fasted car and get out of town right now. 

Dad knows! I wanted to be the one to break this news to my parents. It's not an easy thing to think about. I know I tend to avoid sticky situations a lot of the time. At least Mom didn't freak out, not that I know of. She was probably too freaked out about the whole Paul thing. I didn't want to tell her what happened, but I knew there was no way that either she or Lex was going to leave it alone. I'm glad I did finally say it out loud.

Somebody hated me enough to stab me 182 times. Afterwards, even after Lex took the meteor rock away and I was healed, and cleaned up and he took care of me, all I could see was the rage in Paul's face. I felt so violated. I was a victim. I've never seen myself that way. I've always seen myself as somebody who can protect and defend not just myself but others. There, I said it, and now it's here. Now I can move on. Maybe I might still have nightmares about it, and maybe not. The nightmares about the night on the cross in Riley field eventually went away. I didn't have any nightmares last night.

I feel much better now that I've written that all out. I love Mom so much. I saw that look on her face last night, and all I could think was how unfair all of this was. I won't let what he did to me control my life. 

I have people in my life who love me, and I need to concentrate on them. I have Lex, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

29 April @ 11:03 am

After dinner last night, I went up to my loft to think. I knew Dad wanted to talk to me about what I'd told Lex. I was terrified, almost as terrified as I was when Whitney left me in the field with that necklace around my neck. My Dad scares me sometimes. He's kind of intimidating. 

I went down into the storm cellar to look at the ship. I haven't been thinking about the message it held at all. I don't want to think about it. I was going to activate it, but then Dad found me. He had this look on his face. I might have imagined it. I wouldn't say it was disappointment, but it was close.

We talked. There wasn't as much shouting as I thought there would be. Dad looked tired. I did that. I make my parents' lives harder than they have to be. All I ever wanted was to be a son they could be proud of. Dad told me he is proud of me. It's just that sometimes I sense something, but I'm not quite sure what. I thought it was fear, but fear of me or for me, I can't tell.

I told him that ever since he told me about my true origins, I've struggled so hard to be normal, and some days I forget what I am. I forget that I'm not human. I want to forget that I'm not human, but I know that's not possible. I told Dad that sometimes I think there's no way anybody could ever love me for just me, beyond him and Mom. I told him how I've longed to have somebody in my life that I could share my secrets with. I told him how afraid I always am that somebody would reject me if they knew the true me.

He's not happy that I told Lex. He wishes I hadn't, or at the very least, he wishes I had talked it over with them first. I had to tell him about what happened when Pete drugged me a few months ago. I left out the part about Chloe. I begged him to understand that I needed Lex to know. I needed him to love me back as much as I love him. My parents have always taught me that honesty is the best policy, but that when it comes to my alien heritage, I have to fudge the truth because there are people out there who wouldn't see me as a person. They would see me as a thing.

Another lesson they taught me was that a relationship built on lies is doomed to failure. Dad was griping about how well I learned his lessons, but I told him that he's my hero and I wouldn't want it any other way. It's because of him and mom that I am who I am today. 

Of course, Dad had to remind me who Lex's father is, and that his father would probably exploit me in a heartbeat. I reassured him that Lex can handle his dad and that he would do just about anything for me. I couldn't believe the reaction that got. Dad looked sad. He said he's afraid of what Lex would do to protect me, and he reminded me of what happened with Roger. 

I made Dad promise not to go after Lex. He said he's tempted (though I think he was joking because he was smiling when he said it) but that for my sake he will not kill my boyfriend.

I really tried to get Dad to understand that when Lex saw what I could do, he still loved me, and that it meant more to me than anything. Lex doesn't look at me like I'm a freak. I hated to say this to dad, but I told him that Lex still touches me, and that he loves me even more now than ever. Then the grilling started. 

Dad told me how upset he was that I took Lex to New York. I understood that, but I couldn't explain to him why I wanted Lex there. It just wouldn't have made sense to him. We were down there for hours. Dad wanted to know exactly what I'd told and shown Lex. I spared him the details of how I told Lex, because he really didn't need to hear that. 

I've found somebody else who gives me unconditional love, only Lex isn't just somebody: he is everything to me. He is my world and I think my Dad finally gets that.

@ 11:50 pm

Lex did it! He finally did it!

I went over for dinner. I dressed up nice in my best suit, because I wanted it to be like a real date, even if we couldn't go out to a nice fancy place. We talked about everything that had happened these past few weeks. I reassured him that things were going to be fine now. I told him now that we have all our secrets out in the open, nothing could go wrong.

We went up to his room after dinner and he was so hot! The way he looked at me was so hot. He took off my tie really slowly and kissed me while I sat on his bed. Then he stripped me slowly. I was so hard by the time he pulled off my boxers. I took his clothes off. I love him dressed or naked. Either way, he is the hottest, sexiest thing ever. I was almost afraid to ask Lex if he would take me, but I did it. I asked. He was hesitant at first. I wasn't sure if it was the right time after everything that had happened over the last few weeks, but at the same time, it felt so right. I felt like our relationship had moved to a whole new level. 

Once we were both naked, he sucked me off. It took an embarrassingly short time for me to come. Then we were on the bed together, making out. He turned me onto my stomach. I was totally flipping out inside because he climbed up onto me and finger-fucked me while whispering dirty words in my ear. I begged for more and he licked down my back until he licked down there. I couldn't believe how hard that made me. I felt so dirty and naughty, and I wanted more. I don't think I have ever been so hard. I thought I was going to come just from his tongue inside me. He really knew what he was doing. 

I was blushing the whole time, but I think I shoved my ass in his face. I'm pretty sure I did that and then begged him to fuck me really hard. I thought he was going to fuck me like that. I would have done it any way he wanted.

He turned me onto my back and got the condom and lube. It seemed like it took forever for him to get the condom on his cock. Then he finally spread my legs and pressed into my hole.

I wasn't sure how it would feel to have him inside me. I don't feel pain, but I sure felt him. It wasn't painful, more like a tingle-burn. He thrust deep into me. I was overwhelmed by all of sensations I was feeling. I begged Lex to fuck me as hard as he could. I wanted to really feel it. He gave me what I wanted. He didn't hold back. He grabbed my legs, spread them wide, and fucked me, our eyes locked. Then he closed his eyes and pounded into me. 

I wanted it to last forever. It felt so amazing, hot, and dirty. I wanted to do it again right away. Lex wasn't really up for it again, but he promised we would do it again for sure. So I'm hoping I can go over tomorrow night and he can show me a repeat performance. It's making me so hard thinking about Lex on top of me, fucking me. I want to run over and beg him to do it to me again.


End file.
